370 - Continue to ENTRY CHAMBER

With REFRESHING SODA in HAND (in blatant violation of the sacrosanct INVENTORY SYSTEM), you return to the ENTRY HALL. Yep, it's just like you left it. There's the HOURGLASS, the VINES, the BEDROLLS that you and the MERCENARY set up, the CAMPFIRE, the GIANT CARV-ED FACE, the EXTRA-DIMENSIONAL RIFT, the---

--Wait a TICK. Something's not right here.

Ah, I see the PROBLEM.

We're not supposed to be following the PRISONER. Let's go back to SOMEONE ELSE.

>Warn the OTHERS

369 - Do the SHUFFLE

>Continue to ENTRY CHAMBER

368 - Berate SCHOLAR

The SCHOLAR is not pulling his weight on this EXPEDITION. The CAPTAIN decides to give him his QUARTERLY REVIEW. In the "PRO" column, the SCHOLAR has survived thus far, doesn't eat very much, and [point three]. There are far more items in the "CON" column. Highlights from among the first twenty points are "kinda bad at tour guidery," "possibly doesn't know stuff," and "book takes up needless inventory space."

Recommendations for improvement? This will take some time. First thing, SCHOLAR--

SCHOLAR?

>Do the SHUFFLE

367 - Collect PAYMENT for TOUR

The SCHOLAR holds out his HAND expectantly for SWEET TOUR GUIDE PAYMENT.

His HAND remains resolutely empty. Disadvantageous! The TOUR GROUP has already begun moving on to the EXHIBITION HALLS to the NORTH.

The CAPTAIN is unhappy with the SCHOLAR'S performance as a tour guide, especially his failure to get paid upfront. So far, she is giving his TOUR GUIDERY one STAR out of five.

What do you do?

>Berate SCHOLAR

366 - Guide TOUR

The CAPTAIN orders the SCHOLAR to guide a TOUR for the TOURISTS.

But... the SCHOLAR doesn't know a thing about the EXHIBITS in this ROOM!

They'll all think he's some kind of FRAUDULENT FRAUD frauding up some FRAUDS! Fakely!

Of course, there's always the SPECIAL TECHNIQUE that all ACADEMICS learn from their INSTRUCTORS. It's dangerous. It could potentially kill everyone in the ROOM. But when you need to sound smart at a moment's notice about a subject you're only half-familiar with, sometimes you need to put your BRAIN on automatic and just let the MOUTH do what it does.

The SCHOLAR puts down the PAN FLUTE.

The SCHOLAR dons his BUCKLED HAT.

It's go time.

It's super effective! Never before have so many words been used to say so little.

>Collect PAYMENT for TOUR

365 - Find MONEY?

The SCHOLAR would like some MONEY, in case purchases are necessary at some point during their QUEST. Purchases such as a REFRESHING BEVERAGE. Hint hint, CAPTAIN.

The DONATION BOX would most likely have EASY CASH. Robbing it would probably be morally reprehensible. "Probably" in this case meaning "definitely." Alternatively, the CAPTAIN and SCHOLAR could get a JOB, if only they could find one.

The TOURISTS approach the adventurous DUO. Oh, for fun! They explain that they are TOURISTS, don'tcha know, and it would be just great if they could find some TOUR GUIDES to come with. They may even pay enough for the SCHOLAR to get some POP. You betcha!

(The CAPTAIN compliments the TOURIST'S MUSTACHE. In return, the TOURIST complements the CAPTAIN'S CLAY AND AMETHYST SKULL'S MUSTACHE.)

>Guide TOUR

364 - Get SKULL

The two ADVENTURERS agree to a PLAN to reach the CLAY AND AMETHYST SKULL. The CAPTAIN thinks the PLAN is great. The SCHOLAR thinks it is the worst thing since CLOTHING WITHOUT BUCKLES.

In order to hold on to the new TREASURE, the CAPTAIN is forced to combine ITEMS within the INVENTORY.

The SCHOLAR would like some SODA after his ORDEAL, but he has no VARIOUS MONIES with which to purchase REFRESHING BEVERAGES.

>Find MONEY?

363 - Finally, Go EAST

With a final gift from the MERCENARY, the CAPTAIN and SCHOLAR head through the EASTERN DOOR.

You are in a LOBBY.

According to the SIGN, this appears to be some kind of MUSEUM. Two DISPLAYS are visible, currently being examined by a pair of TOURISTS. Some kind of ANCIENT SODA DISPENSING DEVICE is plugged in near the door, with a CLAY AND AMETHYST SKULL sitting on top of it. You can also see DECORATIVE POTTED FLORA and a MUSEUM DONATION BOX.

Exits are WEST, NORTH, and EAST.

What do you do?

>Get SKULL

362 - Determine POLL RESULTS

The WRITER pauses the WEBCOMIC and comes in to talk to the CHARACTERS. It seems there's a PROBLEM. In the POLL to see who would "Go EAST," there was a three-way tie between the MERCENARY, the SCHOLAR, and the CAPTAIN. The WRITER decides to take matters into his own HANDS and resolve it in the BEST POSSIBLE WAY.

/Andrew rolls 3d6

The results: Scholar 6, Captain 4, Mercenary 1.

The SCHOLAR and the CAPTAIN would proceed to the EAST in the next EPISODE. Great, good job everyone. The MERCENARY and the PRISONER would stay behind and--Wait, where's the PRISONER?

Oh, he's threatening an old ANCILLARY CHARACTER and demanding that the MULE KICK MINION surrender either his MONEY or his LIFE. Oh, that PRISONER. What a CARD!

>Finally, go EAST

361 - Go EAST

There is some confusion as to which direction constitutes EAST. The CAPTAIN directs everyone's attention to the DOORWAY to the theoretical RIGHT, as if someone were observing them through an INVISIBLE WALL opposite the REALLY BIG FACE.

The MERCENARY suggests that two of them should proceed forward into the TEMPLE to find the ANCIENT WEAPON while the other two stay behind to set up CAMP and make sure the LOCALS don't break through the CLOSED DOOR to ambush them. The CAPTAIN agrees with this suggestion. The only question is, which two should stay and which two should proceed? Or is that two questions?

VOTE IN THE POLL TO THE RIGHT!

>Determine POLL RESULTS

Hey, where are you going? Get back up there, PRISONER.

360 - Grab ANCIENT WEAPON and go HOME

The MERCENARY picks up the ANCIENT WEAPON and says it's time to go home. The other party members are not confident in his assessment of the HOURGLASS. The SCHOLAR, broken from his memories by the presence of ABSURDITY, relates that it is definitely not the ANCIENT WEAPON.

The MERCENARY remains unconvinced. He patiently explains that TIME is both ancient and the ultimate destroyer of all THINGS.
  
TIME is the ANCIENT WEAPON.

No, the SCHOLAR says, TIME is not the ANCIENT WEAPON. Neither is the HOURGLASS. Shut up.

>Go EAST

359 - Read LETTER

With the really important stuff taken care of, it's time to read the LETTER. The CAPTAIN calls everyone over. The PRISONER explains that the SCHOLAR is indisposed at the moment, as he had an ACCIDENT. The CAPTAIN and MERCENARY decide that the less said about that, the better.

The LETTER reads:

Dear Captain, Scholar, Mercenary, and the rest;

If you are reading this then we are pleased to presume that you have safely completed your perilous voyage and are standing in the Temple of the Ancient Weapon. Congratulations! Since you are there anyway, be dears and fetch us the Ancient Weapon, that we may turn the tide in our little unpleasantness with our dastardly foes. In return, as discussed, we will grant each of you one wish (plus a sandwich for the highwayman). Thanks again!

Fondest hugs, kisses, and etceteras,

My Majesty, the Sovereign

>Grab ANCIENT WEAPON and go HOME

358 - Poke PEEPHOLE with PIKE POLE

Poking the MOUSE HOLE with the PIKE is clearly the most pressing course of action. Anything else would be simply irresponsible.

The MERCENARY is not pleased with these orders. His PIKE is a PROFESSIONAL WEAPON wielded professionally in professional battle. It is not meant to be a HOLE-IN-THE-WALL-POKING-STICK. Regardless, The CAPTAIN overrides his objections and the HOLE is dutifully poked.

It's not very effective.

Across the room, The SCHOLAR and the PRISONER examine the carelessly discarded PAN FLUTE. While the SCHOLAR admits to knowing how to play it, the PRISONER is unable to convince him to play any TUNES, jaunty or otherwise. The SCHOLAR... has not played the PAN FLUTE since... well... not since the ACCIDENT.

>Read LETTER

357 - Flee down PASSAGE

Your bootsteps echo as the four of you charge down the PASSAGE in the ANCIENT TEMPLE. THE MERCENARY leads the way, his PIKE leveled before him. Judging by the FOREIGN SHOUTING behind you, the NATIVE POPULATION is apparently still on your HEELS, and still rather miffed about the whole "invading their sacred temple" thing. No one is more upset about the pursuit than THE PRISONER, bitterly bringing up the rear as he drags his BALL AND CHAIN.

Up ahead, there's a DOORWAY, and the four of you pile through. Thinking quickly, THE SCHOLAR pulls a LEVER to close the DOOR. THE CAPTAIN declares the room safe -- for now -- and orders the party to take stock of their CURRENT SITUATION.

You are standing in a ANCIENT TEMPLE CHAMBER dominated by a large CARVED FACE. Some VINES hang down from the ceiling. An HOURGLASS and PAN FLUTE are strewn across the room. The STONE DOOR to the WEST has been closed by the LEVER but you can still hear MIFFED LOCALS beyond it. Visible exits are EAST.

What do you do?

>Poke PEEPHOLE with PIKE POLE