Experiencing technical difficulties...

Wicked Awesome Adventure is going to have a somewhat sporadic update schedule for a bit, as I have a somewhat sporadic schedule for a bit myself.

Once things settle down, updates will be regular again. For now, we'll see how it goes.

Sorry!

-Andrew

445 - Console and defoliate POTTUS NEPENTHES

You identify that, despite the ODDS, there is a specimen of POTTUS NEPENTHES in the LIBRARY with you! You approach the PLANT with full KNOWLEDGE that your survival and the survival of one or more of your PEERS requires you to amputate some portion of this LIVING FLORA for your ANTIDOTE.

You attempt to console the POTTUS NEPENTHES. You inform it that the BLOOD of PATRIOTS must be refreshed from time to time at the liberty of TREES.

With a single TEAR rolling down your (otherwise somewhat dry) FACE, you begin THE GREAT PRUNING to secure the INGREDIENT that you need.

>

Paternity Leave

>Yeah!

444 - Read harder!

Speed reading intensifies!

Apparently, playing a certain TUNE on a PAN FLUTE can bring back those afflicted with CLAY GOLEM ZOMBIE THING to their senses. While the BOOK does not say what the TUNE is, you feel confident that you can rule out that smash hit, "POPCORN."

Additionally, either a poultice, unguent, cerate, or emollient made from a specific plant, Pottus nepenthes, can temporarily stall the progress of conversion into one of those... THINGS, possibly giving time to find a final CURE. But where could you possibly find such a SPECIMEN as this?

Is all HOPE lost? All of it? Even that little bit you were saving for later?

>

443 - Read BOOKS

You try to pawn off some of the reading onto the wounded MARK and the grieving TOURIST (FEMALE). Neither seems very interesting in reading on account of being wounded and grieving, respectively. You still leave the BOOK OF PUNs with MARK, just sort of propping it on his FACE. Maybe it can cheer him up?

Still you have all of the rest of the BOOKS to go through. This calls for some serious speed reading, since reading all of them is very likely impossible. You have to try!

>

442 - Get WET WIPE, Get BOOKS

You ask the TOURIST (FEMALE) for a DISINFECTANT WIPE from her FANNY PACK. She wordlessly hands you one such WIPE, which you then use on your ARM WOUND and then misspell in your INVENTORY. The FORMER TOURIST (MALE) does not look like he is a threat any longer.

In order to better understand your CONDITION (and MARK'S, while you're at it), you head to the bookshelves and (using the DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM) find a series of books in section 738.8 that may relate to your predicament. Even with your SPEED READING, you don't have much time for more than one or two. Which BOOK(S) will you read?

• This Bites! A Guide To Transitioning Into A Modern Ceramic Unlife (738.232)
• Ceramo-Necromancy: A Primer (738.287)
• Cracking Up: A Self-Maintenance Guide (738.368)
• Clay Golemry For The Utterly Incompetent (738.42)
• Everything You Wanted To Know About Clay Golems But Were Afraid To Ask (738.588)
• You're Kiln Me: Puns, Clever Wordplay And More About Clay Golems (738.601)

>

441 - Seek MEDICAL AID

After a moment of QUIET REFLECTION, you begin to run around the LIBRARY in an effort to find MEDICAL AID.

It's not very effective.

Taking stock, you realize that you need to (A) find a way to subdue the FORMER TOURIST (MALE) and (B) use the GUNPOWDER in the BLUNDERBUSS/MUSKET THING to cleanse the BITE WOUND on your ARM before you succumb to infection.

You hear a loud GUNSHOT across the room and realize that while (A) may have just been taken care of, (B) is no longer a practical plan.

>

440 - Start PLAYLIST of PAN FLUTE FAVORITES to---

Ah, no, I guess we won't launch into a FAN FAVORITE MEDLEY of songs.

YOU'VE GOT: INFECTED BITE!

(It's SUPER EFFECTIVE....)

>

439 - Distract FORMER TOURIST (MALE) with PAN FLUTE

You haven't played the PAN FLUTE in so long... not since THE ACCIDENT. But now, with NOTHING to lose, you have no choice. Perhaps MUSIC can soothe this savage GOLEM. Perhaps, just perhaps, it can connect once more to that which was once a MAN. You have to try!

You pick up the PAN FLUTE and begin to play POPCORN.

It appears... EFFECTIVE?

>

438 - Continue cursing CRUEL FATE

You curse CRUEL FATE as hard as you can. It's not very effective...

...and the FORMER TOURIST (MALE) is getting closer.

>

437 - Collect HAT

Realizing how upset MARK is about your missing HAT, you dart back across the LIBRARY and place the errant CHAPEAU upon your DOME. A NOISE behind you causes you to turn and---

MARK! Noooooooooo! He was the best of us!

Completely unbeknownst to you, the TOURIST (MALE) is now a CLAY ZOMBIE TOURIST (MALE) and is tearing into poor, defenseless MARK! You were entirely unaware of the TOURIST (MALE)'s CONDITION, and had not factored such a thing into any of your multitudinous PLANS!

You think back to all of the great MEMORIES that you have of your time with MARK.

There was that TIME when he was trying to warn you about SOMETHING behind you...

...and that's it. That's really the only MEMORY of your time with MARK that you have. Still, it should have been YOU, not HIM. Goodness, why? Why? WHY?

>

Wicked Awesome Schedule Update!

Wicked Awesome Adventure will not be updating today or Friday because of house remodeling and the ensuing lack of computer access! The adventure will resume on Monday, September 11 and continue for a few weeks until I go on a sort of vacation for two weeks at the beginning of October. (At which point the comic will come back in mid-October.) Enjoy the eight year old graphic above!

NEW POST TITLE

436 - Chat with MARK

You stride over to MARK and attempt to calm his FEARS. He's nice. Despite how jumpy he seems to be, you're sure that once he calms down everything will be copacetic.

Even though you've just met him, it's like you can read his whole LIFE just by looking at him....

MARK has led a productive LIFE, despite his somewhat difficult UPBRINGING. From a poor FAMILY, he managed (through hard WORK) to earn a PRESTIGIOUS SCHOLARSHIP, which he parlayed into graduating at the top of his CLASS with a DEGREE in MECHANICAL ENGINEERING. He and his long-term GIRLFRIEND have been getting serious about their RELATIONSHIP and he plans to shortly propose MARRIAGE. Everything about his LIFE is going great! Nothing could possibly go wrong.

So what the heck is he so panicky about?

>Collect HAT

435 - Chat with SURVIVORS

You drop the HAMMER and collect your PAN FLUTE before turning past the only-peripherally-visible TOURIST (MALE) to chat with the other SURVIVORS, TOURIST (FEMALE) and MARK. They both seem somewhat startled by SOMETHING behind you, but you just came from that way, so you know it's totally safe. All DANGER has been safely contained.

Since you're so safe and all, you might as well remark on your SURROUNDINGS in the LIBRARY. The DOORWAYS to the WEST and EAST have been haphazardly boarded up using BOARDS (all of which have been used). The WINDOW to the NORTH has also been boarded up. There are two BOOKSHELVES filled with BOOKS, and the one to the EAST also holds an EGG TIMER while the one to the WEST has a small MINIATURE (from a WARGAME you are intimately familiar with) on top of it. Around the room are also a TABLE, two STOOLS, a BROCHURE STAND (bracing the EASTERN BARRICADE), your BUCKLED HAT, a POTTED PLANT, a POSTER, a MUSKET, a SECURITY CAMERA, a SPIDERWEB, and a SPIDER. That's probably everything.

Great. Now you can relax because obviously everything is fine.

>Chat with MARK

434 - Finish boarding up DOORWAY

You finish boarding up the DOORWAY. Thank goodness for that random pile of BOARDS and NAILS here in the LIBRARY.

Finally, EVERYTHING is totally fine and NOTHING is going wrong for you.

Nothing left to do now but wipe the SWEAT off your BROW and turn around to talk to the other SURVIVORS.

>Chat with SURVIVORS

433 - Let the GAMES begin

All right.

Your MODELS are deployed in a classic FORMATION, refusing the right flank. With your RANGED attacks and your OPPONENT's lack thereof, you'll be able to take out the ENEMY as they approach, also using your DRAGONEER to skirmish and your SNIPER to pick off high value TARGETS. By the time the BATTLE ends, you'll have killed several of his PIECES and he won't even reach your FORCES. It's a solid plan. After all, you're a CAPTAIN and well-versed in TACTICS and SKIRMISH WARFARE.

Plus, as your OPPONENT begins his first turn of moving PIECES around, he is repeatedly slowed by the need to recite, in a language he's not totally familiar with, the names and moves of his LUCHADORES.

You've got this all wrapped up. The only way you could delay it any further was if you had the SCHOLAR'S AUTONOMOUS DRONING ability. As your OPPONENT stammers on, you wonder what the SCHOLAR is up to....

>Finish boarding up DOORWAY

432 - Be PEDANTIC

You point out that the ERRATA clearly states (under the LUCHADOR heading) that:

...the party of the first part (referred to hereafter as the party of the first part) when playing, helming, manning, womaning, or candaemoning a party of luchadors (hereafter referred to as luchador battleband), must enunciate, illuminate, and/or elucidate the full, unabridged, unabbreviated name of the luchador model within the luchador battleband in its original language of origin (i.e., Spanish, Espanol, or Sanskrit) and the name of the luchador model within the luchador battleband's luchador move, maneuver, or moveuver in its original language of origin (i.e., Spanish, Espanol, or Sanskrit) to the party of the second part (i.e., the opponent, friend, enemy, or fropponent) in each instance where a move, move-like action, or maction is undertaken within the confines, boundaries, or officially-sanctioned confoundaries of the game, battle, or skirmish between the party of the first part (as the party of the first part) and the party of the second part (as the party of the second part)....

The RULE continues through two more subsections, a clause, and a subordinate coda.

Your OPPONENT's MORALE takes 15 damage as the GAME begins.

>Let the GAMES begin

431 - Read entire ERRATA

Having been given the ERRATA, you stall for time by reading the entire thing. All four pages of bulleted, size 10, mostly double-columned Times New Roman rules changes. This will take some time. Might as well take in your surroundings!

You are in the CONVENTION HALL of the TEMPLE OF THE ANCIENT WEAPON. There is a TOURNAMENT underway, with an IVORY AND RUBY SKULL (currently behind SECURITY GLASS) as the GRAND PRIZE. Your own (previously obtained) SKULLS are stacked behind a convenient POTTED PLANT in the corner.

Four pairs of COMBATANTS (one pair out of frame to the WEST) stand at four BATTLE TABLES (one table out of frame to the WEST). Other than yourself, all of the other COMBATANTS are small, horned, and red.

One additional RED FELLOW with a MONOCLE is manning the REGISTRATION/SALES/MISC TABLE. He seems to be the one in charge.

Ah, and you've found a rule that might just help.

>Be pedantic

430 - Maybe leave?

Reluctantly, you begin to deploy your FORCES. You ask your OPPONENT if you can maybe... just leave? Maybe not play?

Your OPPONENT notes that, according to the rules, leaving the MANDATORY LIFE AND DEATH WARGAME TOURNAMENT is only possible in one of two ways. In the game of games, you either win or you die.

With that in mind, you try a CLASSIC PLOY and mention that your COWBOY DRAGONEER uses SPECIAL RULES from a recent ERRATA, so recent that he probably hasn't heard of it. Your OPPONENT produces the most recent ERRATA, specially prepared for the TOURNAMENT. He says you can have it. He has it memorized.

And it says nothing about COWBOY DRAGONEERS.

>Read entire ERRATA

429 - Choose COWBOYS (AND DRAGON)

While there are many good choices, you opt to customize a COWBOY WARBAND from the available PRE-MADE WARBAND MODELS. Leaving aside a few, you take six COWBOY INFANTRY and two COWBOY HEAVY UNITS. Your list consists of:

• Sheriff (53 points)
• Unionja (38 points)
• Gunslinger with Double Revolvers (33 points)
• Bandit (25 points)
• Cardsharp (29 points)
• Sharpshooter with Long Tom Rifle (47 points)
• Cowboy Cannoneer (58 points)
• Cowboy Dragoneer (115 points)

All shall fear your 398 points of COWBOY WRATH! ALL SHALL FEAR IT!!!

Your first opponent, the TINY LUCHA LIBRE FAN, asks if you are ready to begin the first round of LIFE OR DEATH TABLETOP WARGAMING.

>Maybe leave?

428 - Be CAPTAIN

Everything is not going great.

Sure, you managed to escape the HALL OF DEATHTRAPS, but you lost the MERCENARY to that PIT TRAP, rendering it very unlikely that you'll get your DEPOSIT back when this is over.

Then, you were forced into this life or death WARGAME TOURNAMENT.

Then, you only had, like, ten minutes to skim the entire RULEBOOK.

Then, you found out that your FIRST OPPONENT was playing a (well-painted) LUCHADOR WARBAND, a tier one powerhouse of a FACTION choice.

Still, by choosing from the (generously provided) PRE-MADE WARBANDS, you can hopefully play until you can figure out a way to escape these red-faced NERDS.

What FACTION will you use?

>Choose COWBOYS (and DRAGON)

427 - Go WEST

Scooping up the fallen OFFICER FIVE-O's POLICE PISTOL, you head through what is definitely the WEST DOOR. It's a long hallway filled with poor ANIMATION, as you found out so long ago when you first entered the ANCIENT TEMPLE with the ADVENTURING CREW. Even if CAPTAIN ULTRAFUZZ (mentioned to be on rearguard duty) has ULTRAVISION (the ultimate form of vision) there's no way he could see all the way down this NIGH-ENDLESS HALLWAY.

This escape is going to take a bit.

Let's check in on the CAPTAIN, shall we?

>Be CAPTAIN

426 - Bluff harder!

Undeterred, you try lying again, even harder this time. You suggest that the MOUNTIE has put you on REARGUARD DUTY and that OFFICER FIVE-O should totally just take a well-deserved NAP. Another OFFICER FIVE-O behind you backs you up on your claims.

OFFICER FIVE-O isn't buying it. She doesn't have time for a NAP. And besides, REARGUARD DUTY was assigned to CAPTAIN ULTRAFUZZ, and he's already outsi---

KAPOW!

With a swift PRISONER'S PUNCH, you knock out OFFICER FIVE-O. You told her it was nap time.

She shouldn't have resisted... a rest.

Yeah!

>Go WEST

425 - Go WEST

You wait until the SUPER COPS leave the room to the EAST and prepare to sneak out the WESTERN DOOR. Moving out of arm's reach from the WITCH, you emerge from the INVISIBILITY SPELL. Unfortunately, that means you appear right in front of another OFFICER FIVE-O on rearguard duty.

She holds out her HAND to stop you and mentions that she doesn't remember seeing a DUPLICATE like you around before.

You counter with a classic BLUFF along the lines of "It's my first day."

Its effectiveness is unclear.

>Bluff harder!

424 - Get DISGUISE SPELL

Under the INVISIBILITY SPELL, you silently use CHARADES to inform the WITCH of your CUNNING PLAN to infiltrate the POLICE. Somehow, she understands and casts a GLAMOUR on you, changing your appearance to more closely approximate OFFICER FIVE-O. It's... not perfect. It appears that some portion of OFFICER SMOKEY also made it into the design....

The SUPER COPS seem to be moving EAST through this room. What do you do?

>Go WEST

423 - Hide BALL AND CHAIN, Evade COPS

You quickly stash the blinking BALL AND CHAIN in the MOUSE HOLE (which is hidden behind the WHITE BOARD). Unfortunately, the DOOR to the WEST is already being forced open, so running is out of the question. The WITCH casts a quick spell to conceal the pair of you, finishing only moments before the COPS sweep into the room.

Oh no. This isn't good. Those aren't just normal COPS.

Those are SUPER COPS.

WHAT DO YOU DO? WHAT CAN YOU POSSIBLY DO???

>Get DISGUISE SPELL

422 - Examine BALL AND CHAIN

Noticing that the BALL AND CHAIN that you previously had feelings for were attached to is blinking, you decide to examine it further. Your WITCHISH ASSOCIATE confirms that neither the blinking nor the SIGNAL being broadcast from the BALL are magical in nature. Hmm. The blinking only began when you removed the BALL AND CHAIN from your LEG CUFF. Perhaps... there's some connection?

You hear KNOCKING SOUNDS on the DOOR to the WEST (the way out of the TEMPLE OF THE WHATEVER IT WAS). The knocking only began after you examined the blinking on the BALL AND CHAIN which, itself, only began when you removed the BALL AND CHAIN from your LEG CUFF. Perhaps... perhaps there, there's some connecting connection?

>Hide BALL AND CHAIN, Evade COPS

421 - Ask WITCH to join PARTY

 

Gleefully, you gently kick away the BALL AND CHAIN that previously held you in bondage. You're free! With the TIME RIFT PHENOMENON finished, it's time to go exploring. Perhaps you can find the ULTIMATE WEAPON for the SOVEREIGN and get your REWARD!

Since your SCIENTISTS are doing their own thing now, you ask the WITCH if she wants to join your PARTY. You're clearly a COOL GUY and definitely cooler than the NICE GUY, so... yeah?

While the WITCH does not seem convinced by your COOLNESS ASSESSMENT, she does decide to join your party. What else is she going to do around here?

THE WITCH JOINS YOUR PARTY!

>Examine BALL AND CHAIN

420 - Ask WITCH to magically remove BALL AND CHAIN

You ask the WITCH to magically remove the BALL AND CHAIN on your ANKLE using her WITCHY MAGICKS.

With nothing better to do at the non, she complies. While the SPELL is being cast, you ask her about where she came from. She says the last thing she remembers, she met a NICE GUY at a BAR and then some CREEP attacked them and they got separated. She'd like to find the NICE GUY again at some point if possible.

The WITCH completes the spell and your LEG suddenly feels a whole lot less burdened.

YOU'VE LOST: BALL AND CHAIN!

>Ask WITCH to join PARTY

419 - Acquire HANDHELD DEVICE from WITCH

Under the ASSUMPTION that the DEVICE held by the WITCH holds the key to the secrets of the ANCIENT TEMPLE, you immediately ask to take possession of it.

(Immediately, that is, after sending out for a GUEST BADGE for the WITCH and replacement EMPLOYEE BADGES for your LEAD SCIENTISTS. Certain... irregularities needed corrected immediately to comply with STANDARD LABORATORY OPERATING PROCEDURE. It needed to be done post haste, because the last thing you need is a team of COMPLIANCE TESTERS coming in and disrupting your VALUABLE WORK just because you've failed to dot a few Is or cross a few Ts! BUREAUCRATS!)

After getting her bearings, the WITCH looks forlornly at the jury-rigged DEVICE. She says that it is only half the DEVICE it used to be. It's broken.

>Ask WITCH to magically remove BALL AND CHAIN

418 - View MONUMENTAL THING

Something is coming through the RIFT...!

It's...

It's a STEREOTYPICAL WITCH? That's not what was expected. You have no idea where or when she came from!

>Acquire HANDHELD DEVICE from WITCH

417 - Be CAPTAIN

As the CAPTAIN of the EXPEDITION, it falls on you to...

OK, we're actually the PRISONER again.

You and your CRACK TEAM of SUPER SCIENTISTS stare intently at the SPACE-TIME DISTORTION RIFT. According to your meticulous and totally scientific RESEARCH, something big should be happening soon. Any moment now, really. This is the culmination of all of your work thus far on the EXPEDITION and should bring about something absolutely game-changing, something so monumental and momentous that there's no way you can adequately describe how monumental and momentous it will be.

Staring intently at the RIFT will have to suffice for the NONCE. But any moment now, SOMETHING* will happen.

What could it be?

>View MONUMENTAL THING

*Both monumental and momentous, presumably

416 - Move somehow?

Hmm. As a SKULL, your ability to do practically anything borders on nonexistent.

So... yeah.

Let's be SOMEONE ELSE, shall we?

>Be CAPTAIN

415 - Get SURGERY

You ask DAVE if he can spare 2460 VARIOUS MONIES. He says no, but...

...he can spare a TEMPLE EMPLOYEE HEALTH INSURANCE MEDI-CHIT that should cover the more expensive OPERATION. He pops it into the COIN SLOT, along with your 40 VARIOUS MONIES.

With your approval, DAVE keys in the bilateral trans-femoral lower extremity nanotech prostheses installation OPERATION. A GLASS TUBE comes down and secures to the base, creating a hermetic seal. As the MERCENARY thinks to finally question what exactly a bilateral trans-femoral lower extremity nanotech prostheses installation is, DAVE hits the Y button and the OPERATION is confirmed. The TUBE begins to fill with SLEEPY-TYMEZ GAS™ and the MERCENARY fades into unconsciousness.

So...

Um...

You're SKULLY now?

>Move somehow?

414 - Use AUTODOC

Putting down your WEAPONS, you awkwardly (but solidly) balance in the AUTODOC CHAMBER. After a few taps from DAVE on the CONSOLE, the SCANNER turns on and assesses your injuries.

Congratulations! You have a CLOSED DISPLACED OBLIQUE FEMORAL FRACTURE!

The AUTODOC 1,000 presents two available treatment options and their associated costs.

• Surgical bone setting, immobilization, and casting - 40 VARIOUS MONIES
• Bilateral trans-femoral lower extremity nanotech prostheses installation - 2500 VARIOUS MONIES

You have 40 VARIOUS MONIES available. What do you do?

>Get SURGERY