343! (342, Take 2!)

JET: I guess I better interrogate that ninja before he dies, maybe find out why he was attacking that guy.

BCF: That guy? You mean Ironbeard McBeard, pirate captain and possibly the new Pirate Lord?

JET: What? That guy... was... he was Ironbeard McBeard? I KNEW THAT! Of course I knew that.

BCF: I never said---

JET: DON'T QUESTION ME! I'M--- I'M NOT--- GOOD WITH... QUESTIONS! Let's... move on... shall we?

>Issue COMMAND

343...?

You (I) are (am) in your (my) SECRET WEBCOMIC LAIR. You (I) are (am) somewhat unhappy with your (my) PREVIOUS WEBCOMIC. You (I) are (am) very sorry for its DISTINCT LACK OF QUALITY and have decided to try it again TOMORROW. For tonight, you (I) plan to lounge around the LAIR, drink a SODA and play with some of your (my) STUFF, not even bothering to put up a COMIC.

Or... maybe you'll (I'll) put up a "META" COMIC.

Whatev (er).

>

342 - Interrogate DYING NINJA

JET: I guess I better interrogate that ninja before he dies, maybe find out why he was attacking that guy.

BCF: That guy? You mean Ironbeard McBeard, pirate captain and possibly the new Pirate Lord?

JET: What? That guy... was... he... was... he....

>Try THAT again

341 - NAME GET!

JET: Hey, by the way, what's your name?

BCF: Braxley "Coffee-Boots" Flynn.

JET: OK. How'd you get that nickname?

BCF: It involves a Tuesday night, a bag of coffee beans and sixteen Pirate Squirrels.

JET: Ah. That reminds me of an encounter I had with a traffic cone, a fish and a small wager. Good times.

>Interrogate DYING NINJA

"Bad Time Management Theatre" presents...

>NAME GET!

340 - Use BANDAGE, go EAST!

As a STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN, you shake off your DAYDREAM and get down to business patching up your ARM (using your WICKED AWESOME HANDKERCHIEF).

JET: I'm glad I could help. Don't worry, I won't jump in front of any more knives any time soon.

IM (IMPRESSIVE MAN): Good ta hear.

You decide to head EAST and look around for M. BISON. He seems to have headed off on his own somewhere. Oh well, he can look out for himself. He's a freaking LIEUTENANT, after all! Strangely, you seem to have picked up CREWMAN #18 as a REPLACEMENT PARTY MEMBER since he's following you as you head out. Before you leave, the IMPRESSIVE MAN* glances over to you one more time.

IM (IMPRESSIVE MAN): By the by, lass. Ya seem ta be able to take care o' yerself, but here's a friendly word o' warnin'. Watch out fer two gents name o' Steelwood Corsair and Manbreath Threeplank. They're the right devils, lass.... Safe sailing.

You head EAST.

>Consider the CREWMAN

*On closer inspection, the Impressive Man's two-toned eyes come from the fact that his left eye (or right, if you're facing him) is pink, like a lot of blood vessels burst or he has pink-eye or something. Probably just another one of his many wounds.**

**Editor's note: FUN FACT! This links to a design evolution picture!

339 - Pirate Ship*

Originally, you were just developing a CRUSH on the IMPRESSIVE MAN, but frankly, this has turned into a much more developed M-M-M-MULTICRUSH, causing you to DAYDREAM about five possible PIRATE KING SHIPMATES. This is obviously more important than putting a BANDAGE on your ARM to prevent bleeding out.

>Use BANDAGE, go EAST

*It's a pun.

338 - Decide on a NON-INTERVENTIONIST COURSE OF ACTION

Well, you've been stabbed in the ARM. You shout for the PIRATES to get the NINJA and the two BEARDED CREWMEN fire their HANDCANNONS, miss (because he's a NINJA), and chase the ASSASSIN off down the STREET. Your "friend," the COFFEE-STAINED CREWMAN, loiters nearby, GUN drawn.

You pull the KUNAI out of your arm and check your previously unknown HIT POINT TOTAL. Yeah, losing one HIT POINT didn't put much of a dent in the total. Maybe a little dent in your ARM, but that should heal up.

The FUSE-BEARDED GIANT PIRATE seems torn between watching the continuing BATTLE across the RIVER and hunting down the FLEEING NINJA*. He glances down to your ARM.

IM (IMPRESSIVE MAN): If ye let that go, ye might find yerself with a pretty little scar, lass. A couple o' good scars let people know yer nothin' to be trifled with.

He pauses, staring across the RIVER.

 

IM (IMPRESSIVE MAN): Ya have me thanks for taking that knife 'stead of my back, but that was a da'fool thin' ta do and I'd ask ya not ta repeat it.

>Pirate Ship

*Were he to chase down the ninja, the large pirate would most likely plan to palm the ninja's head with one of his massive hands and squeeze it like a melon until it burst, all the while stabbing his razor sharp (but strictly utilitarian) sword deep into the purple scum's belly, then reveling in the destruction of another foe (one more enemy slain in a long list of those who dared oppose him). He'd most likely let that be a lesson. He's a harsh teach'r.

337 - Be... DEAD?

Um... no.

YOU GOT: STABBED IN THE ARM!

YOU LOST: ONE HIT POINT!

Well... that was anticlimactic.

>Decide on a NON-INTERVENTIONIST COURSE OF ACTION

336 - Get STABBED

 

>Be... dead?

335 - Yell "look out," fling RANDOM INVENTORY and dive (in SLOW MOTION) to save MR TWINKLY BEARD from OBVIOUS NINJA IN OBVIOUS DISGUISE

CLIFFHANGER!

>Get STABBED

334 - Clear your head with delicious STARBOARDS© COFFEE

Your head is hurting you pretty bad. There's been a dull aching at the back of your mind since you woke up up the BUREAUCRAT'S OFFICE, but now it's starting to make it hard to think. Noticing that you don't have any VARIOUS MONIES*, you ask CREWMAN #18 if you can bum some VARIOUS MONIES to buy a COFFEE. He actually seems to care for your WELL-BEING and hands you his own COFFEE, saying that you obviously need it more than he does.You take a couple of deep swigs of the DRINK and look around.

Holy CANADA! 

It's a NINJA! IN DISGUISE!!!

And this COFFEE is FANTASTIC!!!

>Yell "look out," fling RANDOM INVENTORY and dive (in SLOW MOTION) to save MR TWINKLY BEARD from OBVIOUS NINJA IN OBVIOUS DISGUISE

*Editor's Note: I checked and couldn't find any change in Jet's pockets. If she's picked any money up since she landed on the island... she's dropped it.

333 - Expose NINJA, talk to CREWMAN

You immediately point out that there's a--- 

There's a....

NINJA? What NINJA? You're, you're...

...getting...

Hmm?

Oh, you should talk to that CREWMAN! STEELWOOD CORSAIR and his CREW seem to have their HEADS screwed on pretty tight. Maybe he knows something about the NINJA to whom you supposedly owe a FAVOR.

JET: Evening, sailor!

CREWMAN #18: Miss Thunderson.

JET: Quick question. Know anything about a captured ninja in the prison?

CREWMAN #18: Aye. We caught one purplebelly who was trying to sneak around this side of the city. Stinking wet, probably just crawled out of the river. Didn't put up a fight so some of Threeplank's boys hauled him over to the Penitentiary.

JET: Tell your boss that he... that he.... You know what, never mind. I think.... I think we're....

CREWMAN #18: ...ma'am?

JET: ...getting off topic....

>Clear your HEAD with delicious STARBOARDS© COFFEE

332 - Go NORTH

You come out the NORTH end of the SOUTH ALLEY and look to your WEST. There is a COFFEE SHOP here called "Starboards" which is still open and serving DRINKS (probably to keep these PIRATES fighting through the night). There are a few TABLES in front of the SHOP, along with a wonderful RIVERFRONT VIEW to the WEST.

Three GRIZZLED PIRATES stand by the EDGE, staring off across the RIVER. They appear to be watching the PUGILISTIC ACTIVITIES with calm but keen INTEREST, seemingly unworried by the occasional NINJA STAR, KUNAI or EXPLOSIVE that flies their way. Other persons of interest include the BARRISTA in the SHOP who is serving one of STEELWOOD CORSAIR'S CREW, the aforementioned CREWMAN and one of the blue-clothed PIRATE GUARDS like you've seen all over the ISLAND.

Exits are NORTH through the NORTH ALLEY, WEST into the RIVER, EAST down this STREET and SOUTH back through the SOUTH ALLEY to the BRIDGE SQUARE.

What do you do?

>Expose NINJA, talk to CREWMAN

331 - Yeah... HE needs THIS

JILL: AND I'LL GIVE THE SAME TO ANY NINJAS I ENCOUNTER BECAUSE I HATE THEM ALL!

You steal his MASCARA and head NORTH, leaving the GOTH PIRATE lying on the GROUND grasping his... EXISTENTIAL SADNESS.

>Go NORTH

330 - Point out that THOSE THINGS will kill HIM

You slowly turn to face the GOTH PIRATE, your hidden HAND nervously gripping the HANDLE of the STYLIZER. You squint at HIM. He squints at YOU. You both glance around surreptitiously.

JILL: Those things will kill you---

GOTH: Yeah, life is pain, sister.

JILL: You didn't let me finish. If they don't kill you... I might.

GOTH: I'd be scared, but the only emotion I know is existential sadness.

JILL: Well you'll be feeling the dank miasma of me kicking you in the nads if you don't get to the point. What do you want?

GOTH: Fine, fine, whatever. You didn't hear this from me, but a certain ninja gave me a message for you.

JILL: I don't... I don't know any ninjas.

GOTH: Well this one knows you, says you owe him a favor.

JILL: I don't owe anyone anything!

GOTH: I'm just passing on a message, sister. He said to pay him a visit. He's locked up in the island penitentiary, up north and east from here.

JILL: I'll keep that in mind. Consider the message delivered.

GOTH: Whatever. Life is pain.

JILL: SO IS THIS CONVERSATION!

>Give him SOMETHING for his TROUBLE

329 - Go NORTH, find FINAL PIRATE CANDIDATE

Well, this BATTLE seems to be a great little STALEMATE and looks to continue as such for some time to come. FUN is fun, but it's time to get down to the SERIOUS BUSINESS of finding the third and final PIRATE CAPTAIN in the running for PIRATE LORD. Since he isn't immediately visible here in the TOWN SQUARE he must be to the NORTH. (You're like a DETECTIVE!)

As you scoop up three moar NINJA STARS and proceed up the ALLEY, you hear SOMEONE whispering and trying to get your ATTENTION. It seems the GOTH PIRATE has something to say to you.

What do you do?

>Point out that THOSE THINGS will kill HIM

328 - Recapitulate!

Man, it feels like you've been shooting across that river for two weeks! Let's go over what we've been up to recently.

1. You woke up on the SHORE.
2. You went to a LIGHTHOUSE and talked to some PIRATES who filled you in on LOCAL EVENTS.
3. You walked into TOWN and found out about the UPCOMING PIRATE LORD ELECTION.
4. You met STEELWOOD CORSAIR and agreed to help him win the ELECTION.
5. You met MANBREATH THREEPLANK and agreed to help him win the ELECTION.
6. You... passed out.
7. You woke up and went out to explore more of the TOWN.
8. You blasted away across the RIVER* and then got to this RECAP!

Hooray! Time to get back down to BUSINESS. What should you do next?

>Go NORTH, find final PIRATE CANDIDATE

*Specifically, you blasted away at some NINJA, some of whom recently killed the former PIRATE LORD.

Andrew: Meet NEW NEIGHBORS

Maybe it would be better to stay inside the APARTMENT... and get back to JET'S PLOTLINE.

Yeah, let's do that for MONDAY.