281 - COLLAPSE

>Wake up?

280 - Assess OPTIONS

Of course, it's easy to say that there's only one thing to do, but in reality, you've managed to come up with over a dozen options in the course of a microsecond. Unable to do them all, you've reduced your viable options to three and had the little ALAN inside your HEAD write them out onto MENTAL CHALKBOARDS. The moment of truth is at hand.

WHAT DO YOU DO???

>Do what you do!

279 - Get PANTS

You dive across the room and throw on your LONG-SOUGHT PANTS with long practiced skill from long-repressed times of long ago involving frequent (if not constant) pants-ings in PRESCHOOL, ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, MIDDLE SCHOOL, HIGH SCHOOL and that one time during the song "SCHOOL" by NIRVANA on their "BLEACH" recording.

But you digress. Now's really not the time, is it?

PATIENCE is trying to hold the ABOMINATION at bay with her wide array of WITCHY MAGICKS (primarily FIREBALLS), but it is all too plain that this is a losing battle. Even tossing your DECOY BRAIN and now useless TROUSERS RADAR at the MONSTER seems to have been futile. Your TIME DEVICE slowly boots.

PATIENCE: Fireball! Do you have a plan here?

ALAN: Part of one.
PATIENCE: Fireball! What does that mean?
ALAN: I have a teleporter device here, but it can only teleport one person---*

PATIENCE: Acid Arrow! Then... Fireball! Dang it, Alan! Do something!

ALAN: And I can't come back with another device to pick you up since we're in a pocket universe---

PATIENCE: Magic Missile! Look, whatever you're going to do, do it quickly! I'm almost out of spells! Acid Splash!

ALAN: The device is done booting up! I guess... there's only one thing to do....

> Assess Options


*Note: Alan does not mention the fact that people in stasis do not count as people but as inventory objects, which was how the Alan in the Homburg hat was able to zip through time with Rhys (who was in stasis). He does not feel that this is necessary to tell Patience because (1) she never saw Rhys in stasis and (2) he has no means by which to put her into stasis anyway. Sorry to bother you!

278 - Return to RHYS

ALAN: You're right, Rhys, of course. Even if she's otherwise on the level, she'll probably want my soul--- which may or not be empirically real--- or something in exchange for my belongings. Maybe if we...

RHYS: . . .

ALAN: I thought you weren't wearing your hat, Rhys.

RHYS: Oh, I put it back on a while ago.

ALAN: Oh, OK. And, um, about your eyes.... Did they just turn bright red?

RHYS: I need some eye drops.

ALAN: Oh. That seems... plausible.

RHYS: Yes it does.

PATIENCE: Um, Alan? Sweetie...?

RHYS: Don't talk to the witch.

ALAN:  Yes, Patience?

RHYS: I said don't talk to her!

PATIENCE: I think your friend is an eldritch mirror universe abomination.

ALAN: What makes you say that?

PATIENCE: The fact that he's morphing into the destructor form of an eldritch mirror universe abomination.

ALAN:  Um, Rhys? About your semi-translucent, looming, blue, horrifying visage...?

>Get PANTS

277 - Approach PATIENCE

You begin to head over to the WITCH.

RHYS: Hold on. Something doesn't feel right.

You stop to check in with your PAL.

ALAN: Oh, I may have forgotten to mention that we're trapped in a mirror universe.

RHYS: No, not that, I've got a bad feeling about something. What's going on?

ALAN: Well, I'm heading over to--- Hi, Patience!

PATIENCE: Hi, Alan!

ALAN: ---I'm heading over to see Patience, the Witch I met downstairs, to get my pants back.

RHYS: As completely logical as that sounds, maybe you should just come back over here.

PATIENCE: What are you talking about? Who are you?

RHYS: I'm his friend, lady.

ALAN: This is Rhys, the friend I told you about?

PATIENCE: You... never mentioned a friend.

ALAN: Didn't I?

RHYS: What are you doing here, anyway, witch?

PATIENCE: I was looking for Alan to give his pants back after I cleaned them.

ALAN: Why didn't you give them to me downstairs?

PATIENCE: I assumed you had already gone upstairs, like you said you wanted to. Henry wasn't guarding the stairs anymore so I figured you'd gotten him to move somehow.

RHYS: And then you just ended up in a mirror universe thing?

PATIENCE: So did you!

RHYS: Alan, buddy, come back over here.

PATIENCE: Alan, I think there's something wrong with your friend. Come over here. Please.

ALAN: . . .

They're right. Something is wrong. Something has been bothering you for a little while now. But who should you go to?

>Return to Rhys

276 - Go NORTH

You are now trapped in a MIRROR UNIVERSE. Not a universe like in STAR TREK (THE ORIGINAL SERIES) EPISODE 33 ("MIRROR, MIRROR," written by JEROME BIXBY) where KIRK (along with SCOTTY, UHURA, and BONES) switch places with their PARALLEL UNIVERSE COUNTERPARTS (who are evil). You are sure that this has not happened because neither you nor RHYS have GOATEES, and RHYS' MULE KICK UNIFORM does not feature an AGONIZER. No, this MIRROR UNIVERSE is just an infinite plane made of MIRROR with no sign of the DOORWAY you entered through. Fascinating.

It appears you are trapped inside the MIRRORS.

Still, your TROUSER RADAR is going off, pointing... um... EAST? Let's call it EAST.

Since there really aren't that many options, you follow the RADAR. In the distance, you see a small RED FIGURE, which grows larger as you approach. RHYS trundles along blindly behind you. He seems uneasy but passive, like a good PARTY MEMBER.

Soon, you're close enough to see who exactly you're approaching.

PATIENCE THE WITCH waves at you merrily, holding out your PANTS (which are authentic, according to your RADAR). It appears she's emptied the POCKETS, scattering your original INVENTORY onto the MIRRORED FLOOR near her. RHYS stops behind you. He seems very uneasy.

What do you do?

>Approach Patience

275 - Use BRAIN on MAZE

Oh, right, your SUPER BIG BRAIN. You quickly locate RHYS and follow your TROUSER RADAR to the NORTH end of the MAZE, deducing the evident pattern of the maze's construction and identifying small landmarks such as bits of scuffed carpet, dents in the mirrors, and small to middling-sized puddles of blood. The TROUSER RADAR's notifying "dings" become more and more frequent as you and your associate reach the EXIT DOOR.

Your PANTS are close.

So very close....

What could possibly be in this next room?

>Go NORTH

274 - Follow RADAR NORTH into MAZE

OH DEAR SWEET SCIENCE, WHY DID YOU EVER THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA???*

>PANIC UNCEASINGLY!

*You've instantly lost RHYS in the MAZE, but you gave him one of those VOXCO APOCALYPTIC LOG things he's been after and he just seems so happy with that. I... guess he's still in your party? Somewhere?

273 - Go EAST

Strategically keeping RHYS and his HANDCART between yourself and the ZOMMELIER (who sips his WINE and dreams of a life long lost), you maneuver through the EASTERN DOORWAY and into the next room.

Ah. It's a HALL OF MIRRORS. Charming.

Hmm. MIRRORS don't work like that. The angles are wrong. You have to assume it's MAGIC. Oh ho, it's MAGIC, you know. Never believe it's not so.

Visible exits are NORTH (into the MAGIC MIRROR MAZE), WEST (where you just came from), and EAST.

RHYS blinks absently, settling into the traditional look of those in the NON-PLAYER PARTY MEMBER role.

>Follow RADAR NORTH into MAZE

272 - Deal with RHYS

You thoughtfully give RHYS two full turns to clear his head. His EYES fade quickly. He appears disconcerted.

RHYS: Wh---

ALAN: Shh. You have hibernation sickness.

RHYS: I can't see.

ALAN: Your eyesight will return in time.

RHYS: Where am I?

ALAN: Haunted house, upstairs.

RHYS: Who are you?

ALAN: It's me, Alan.

RHYS: OK, hey. Why'd you taze me, bro?

ALAN: A future me needed you for something. I didn't fill me in yet.

RHYS: So we're both in the dark. I assume you wouldn't do something like that without good reason?

ALAN: You're not mad?

RHYS: I'm not the mad scientist. While I don't remember specifics, I get the feeling you've done worse than this to me in the name of science.

ALAN: Great. Want to join my party? I need to find my pants.

RHYS: That seems to be of the UTMOST IMPORTANCE. Just like the LOCATION OF MY HANDCART!

ALAN: I'll lead you to it.

ALAN, what will you do?

>Go EAST

271 - Results!

OK... well... I'm open to suggestions.

>Well... back at it!

270 - Choose your CHARACTER

>Poll in right column!

269 - BAMF!

Another ALAN teleports in!

GREEN ALAN: Job done. Returning subject.

RED ALAN: Oh, hello.

GREEN ALAN: Return to base.

RED ALAN: About that. There's a problem.

GREEN ALAN: Explain.

RED ALAN: Well, I apparently passed out in a bar downstairs and lost my pants. Um, my trousers. My stuff was in my pockets, including that... thing.

GREEN ALAN: Unacceptable!

RED ALAN: No, it's under control! I built a trousers radar! I'll find my pants--- trousers, and then I'll get that thing back and then I can return to base!

GREEN ALAN: Interference with Rhys is unacceptable.

RED ALAN: I understand how all this time travel stuff works. I'm you, yes? Whatever happens happens!

GREEN ALAN: Oversimplifications are unacceptable!

RED ALAN: We have no choice! We need to get that... thing back!

GREEN ALAN: . . .

RED ALAN: It's under control, me. Trust you.

GREEN ALAN: . . . Recalculating. . . . Once trousers have been retrieved, return to base immediately. Removing stasis. Returning to base.

ZAP!

BAMF!

Awkwaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.

>Deal with RHYS

268 - Begin TROUSER QUEST

Now that you're decent, HENRY escorts you upstairs and out of the DEATH'S HEAD PUB, leaving the RESTROOM ZOMBIE in perplexed contemplation of the PLUNGER affixed to his FOREHEAD. According to your TROUSERS RADAR, you seem to be heading towards your PURLOINED PANTS. What a stroke of luck!

You're in some sort of ROOM! Behind you is the STAIRWAY down to the PUB, but you doubt HENRY will let you back in. Beside you is a MULE KICK HANDCART with two boxes. A ZOMBIE BUTLER is nearby, but he doesn't seem to be as fixated by your SWEET BRAIN as most ZOMBIES do... in fact, he seems rather distracted by something to the EAST.

Exits are UP (stairs), DOWN (blocked), WEST (corridor) and EAST (another corridor!)!

Also, you feel an odd sense of deja-vu, even though you're sure you've never been here before.

>Follow RADAR SIGNAL

267 - ...talk?

OK, you're dressed up as RHYS, the most charming, charismatic person you know. What would Rhys do?

ALAN: Hi!

ZOMBIE: ...brains.

ALAN: *clears throat*

ZOMBIE: BRAINS!!!

OH SWEET SCIENCE!

The ZOMBIE leaps at you to get your delicious, delicious BRAIN, chock full of SMARTS, WISDOMS, and tasty (but fattening) TRIVIAL PURSUITS!

OK, well what else would RHYS do?

RHYS pops into your head wearing some COOL COOL SHADES and holding your PLUNGER. What would he do?

He'd take the plunge.

And use the plunger as a weapon against the zombie after saying that snappy Bond one-liner.

He's like that. (So cool!)

Despite your pacifist nature, you give it a shot.

ALAN USES PLUNGER STRIKE!

PLUNGER STRIKE IS SUCCESSFUL!

The ZOMBIE stares at the PLUNGER you've attached to it's head. It seems more confused and disappointed than anything else. Maybe... uh, maybe you should just leave.

ALAN USES AWKWARD SHUFFLE TO LEAVE THE REST ROOM!

AWKWARD SHUFFLE IS SUPER EFFECTIVE!

>Begin Trouser Quest

266 - Apply PHLEBOTINUM

You perform SCIENCE and craft yourself two "useful" devices. The first applies your surprising windfall of PHLEBOTINUM to create a TROUSERS RADAR. Your SUIT JACKET and the missing PANTS are made from the same fabric, so you tear off a portion to scan. For a display, you utilize your PING PONG PADDLE, which now displays the direction towards your TROUSERS. You also attach the small SILVER BELL, so it will "ding" as you get closer.

You also craft a DECOY BRAIN out of the URINAL CAKE.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that takes up both of your INVENTORY POCKET SLOTS. Curse these PINK SHORTS! At least you can still carry the PLUNGER in your hand.

There's still that ZOMBIE out there, maybe you can just sneak out...

Ah, ding it.

>Talk!

265 X - Cater to REQUEST

For Superbowl XLV someone wanted an extra-canonical cast viewing party. Well, they got it. Also? I just noticed that apparently people who perpetually wear sunglasses are Steelers fans. Another also? Alan predicts that Green Bay wins by six points.

>

265 - Don SHORTS & Search

First things first, you slip on the PINK SHORTS. That's all to be said about that. (Oh, also that you have the six VARIOUS MONIES in the POCKETS.)

The ZOMBIE seems preoccupied with his REFLECTION and flirts with it shamelessly, giving you a brief window of time to search the ROOM.

You grab the PLUNGER, a URINAL CAKE and the TRASH CAN, dashing quite non-stealthily back to the relative safety of the STALL. Honestly, you're about as stealthy as a CAFFEINATED PLATYPUS in TAP SHOES (which was, granted, one of the best ideas for a MONDAY NIGHT that CAD ever had).

So, spread out in your STALL (where you're stalling for time... or something) you have the PLUNGER, the URINAL CAKE, the PING PONG PADDLE, the PING PONG BALL, some TAP SHOES (from the trash, what a coincidence!), some PHLEBOTINUM (also from the trash), and a SMALL SILVER BELL (from the trash). If only you could get to the cabinets under the SINKS!

Wow. That ZOMBIE sure is working his CHARM in that MIRROR.

>Apply PHLEBOTINUM

264 - Be forced NORTH

HENRY THE SKELETAL BOUNCER has had quite enough of your drunken and/or disorderly behavior and informs you that he will be ejecting you from the BAR post haste! As the PUMPKIN GUY glares at you crushingly with a CRUSHING GLARE, HENRY shoves you into the MEN'S RESTROOM to tidy up, telling you that he won't let you out until you're decent. He tosses the PINK SHORTS, PING PONG BALL and PING PONG PADDLE in after you.

Man, you've really got to get your stuff in order!

You are now in the MEN'S RESTROOM. A closed STALL and two URINALS are on the wall to the NORTH, while the WEST end of the room sports SINKS and a long MIRROR. Nearby is a TRASH BIN, a PLUNGER, and a HOT AIR DISPENSER. Two VENTS are high up on the WALL. A ZOMBIE--- oh bother. You and ZOMBIES don't get along terribly well, on account of your oversized and supposedly quite delicious BRAIN. He hasn't spotted you yet, thank Science.

And for some reason, you have an urge to brush your TEETH.

>Don SHORTS & search

263 - Hallucinate

ALAN: Never.

<

You wake up some time later.

>Be forced NORTH