229 - Go EAST

You pass into the next room and... it's dark. It's really dark. This seems to be some kind of FOYER, and there's... something hanging above you.... but you can't tell what it is. Since the HAUNTED HOUSE'S power is back on (according to the CONFEDERBOT in the LOBBY), this must be part of the attraction. Still, you can't see a thing.

What do you do?

>Grab a FLASHLIGHT

228 - Look at PUDDLE, then UP

Hey, was that PUDDLE there before? You head over, standing directly next to it and looking down, otherwise oblivious to your ENVIRONMENT.

It's some sort of... dark LIQUID. Looks familiar, but you don't really want to put a finger on it. Could it be bl----meh, probably not. Where did it come from? Hmm. Maybe it has something

to do...

with those...

dripping...

noises...

You look UP!

NOOOOOOOOO!

UGLY RECESSED LIGHTING!

That is the ugliest RECESSED LIGHTING arrangement that you have ever seen. It... it's just terrible. It doesn't match anything else in the room, it's too obtrusive, and it goes against everything that the CROWN MOLDING was working to build. Gah. Ugly.

Anyway, nothing else of interest up there.

Things here seem done so it's time to throw caution to the wind and go EAST. Better bring the HAND TRUCK for.... defensive purposes. Hopefully you have some HAND TRUCK COMBAT SKILLZ. However, that is doubtful.

The HAUNTED HOUSE CONFEDERBOT pipes up as you pass.

CBOT: T-t-t-t-ticket?

RHYS: Tickets? I don't need no tickets! I don't have to show you any stinkin' tickets!

And you book it EAST before the HAUNTED HOUSE CONFEDERBOT can object further. This is obviously the most sensible course of action.

>Go EAST

228a - Grr....

New update at some point over the weekend (if I get a suggestion or two), or on Monday otherwise. Hope y'all had a happy Turkey Day! Or if you're not American, a happy November 25th!

227 - Thanksgiving 2010!

>Return to Canon: Look at PUDDLE, then UP

226 - Loiter, eat PRETZELS

Man, it's been forever since you ate something. Thankfully, you grabbed that bag of PRETZELS when you were back behind the COUNTER. You can't... remember grabbing them... actually... but hey, free PRETZELS!

Nom nom nom.

Glancing back there behind the COUNTER, it also looks like you broke the BROOM for some reason. Hmm. Also, you thought you grabbed the SPRAY BOTTLE and LIGHTER, but... apparently not. Just the delicious PRETZELS.

Nom nom nom nom.

Oh, and hey, that weird DRIPPING NOISE stopped when the power came on. Or maybe you can't hear it over the noises of the powered up HAUNTED HOUSE. But it was probably just your IMAGINATION.... That's probably it.

(nom nom nom nom nom)

>Depart Canon

225 - Activate CONFEDERBOT

>Loiter, eat PRETZELS

225b - Ah-choo!

"Gah.... OK, so a cold I thought was under control is not under control. At all. Updates resume Monday (hopefully).

"AH CHOO!"

The RECORDED LOG ends with sounds of COUGHING and AGONY.

>...

225a - Filler log...

"I see now that the outcome was... inevitable. Each moment that passed from the time that fateful poll was posted, each second that passed from then til I sit and pen these words, each moment I knew that my yes or no query could have but one answer.

"Yes, we should activate it. No, we should not! Yes, it is the only way! No, it is folly! Yes! No!

"But the answer, from the start, was clear. It echoes, resolute, revealing the question itself to bear a false dichotomy. It is not a matter of yay or nay. It can only be answered one way.

"Mechadinoninjasaur." 

This will take a bit of time to grasp and process, but I'll figure something out. The update will be up tomorrow. I don't know what it will be yet, but it will involve a mechadinoninjasaur.

>...

225 - Read NOTE, check TICKET BOOTH

You read the NOTE pinned to the GIFT SHOP DOOR. To sum up: the door is locked until the Haunted House's management can ensure nothing... "dangerous" is still posing a problem. It is signed by MAJOR JOHN SINGLETRON MOSBOT, "THE STEEL GREY GHOST." His signature includes the nickname, in quotes.

After ensuring the CONFEDERBOT behind the counter truly is offline, you vault over and check out the area back there. A LOCKED DOOR is encountered but, being locked, doesn't really prove very useful. A few other ITEMS of INTEREST catch your EYE. A BROOM, a DUSTPAN, several DIRTY RAGS, a SPRAY BOTTLE, some PENCILS, a FLASHLIGHT (with BATTERIES), a LIGHTER, a BAG OF POPCORN, a BAG OF PRETZELS, and a COLONEL FERRIS MUG.

THE AFOREMENTIONED MUG!

And then there's the CONFEDERBOT itself. It isn't armed, and it looks quite obviously disabled. Its legs, such as they are, don't look like they were ever very functional. It probably wasn't meant to move away from the TICKET COUNTER. Still, the rest looks to be in good shape. You may not be ALAN, but you have a good idea how you could get this thing operational. All it would take would be some simple switch-flipping, since there's a large ON/OFF SWITCH on its back (which seems to be an unusual design modification for a CONFEDERBOT).

Should you turn it on? It could go either way....

>Activate CONFEDERBOT

224 - Listen to VOXCO

OK, much to do! First off, it's time to listen to another VOXCO RECORDING.

You mash play on that JAM BOX. Then rewind. Dang. Who neglects to rewind their AUDIO LOGS? That's just sad, really. You press play again.

"It is with high spirits that my team and I begin our investigation into Colonel Ferris' Haunted House. When I first visited the Colonel a few weeks ago, I was impressed by his obvious technical skill, if not his... somewhat strange rebellious affectations. Still, I'd expect a similarly odd bent from any who had come from our Alma mater; Mount Danforth tends to instill some part or parcel of madness to those within its gates, but... well. I digress.

"His concerns seemed, at first, trivial, mere murmurs and half-hints over strong coffee in his laboratoire. Soon, however, the source of his discomfort became clear. A certain item he had discovered in caves beneath his fort, something he could not define, nor describe, despite having seen it on several unwary occasions. In an unguarded moment, I thought I recognized an expression of mute fear, but it was only for a moment which quickly passed at the warming touch of his drink. But the item, even described in vague and cryptic terms, piqued my interest. Oh, I knew it. I knew it well.

"And here I am. And here we are. Miles was inconsolable when I first insinuated that he would not be coming with me. However, his father the dean presented his case quite unduly forcefully, and he is now here for his... ahem... "field work." Curse the blighted politics of academia! This is no place for a student! But of course, Toblerone is with us, and so we shall be safe. I still marvel sometimes at my mute manservant from the mystical East. He seemed a bit unnerved by the anamatronic imp heads here in the lobby, but I am sure it is naught but a passing (and understandable) folly. So it is we three here, and though I have high hopes for finding the object of my search, the object I have sought for so long now, something nags me. Something... gnaws on the edges of my perception. I will not relish sleeping here. Even my daydreams are... dark.

"But the sun was bright outside as we entered, and I have no reason for such foolish doubts."

The RECORDING ends.

>Read NOTE, check TICKET BOOTH

223 - Look through WINDOW

You look through the WINDOW into the GIFT SHOP. It doesn't look like it's been entirely set up yet; a few CORRUGATED CARDBOARD BOXES remain on the CARPET. Next to the WINDOW are two VENDING MACHINES: one for your all too familiar MULE KICK, the other for a drink called THE PURPLE. Never heard of that one. On the WALL are various T-SHIRTS, while the SHELVES above hold various TOURIST CRAP. Left to right, top shelf then bottom shelf:

• Imp Head Bust (Collectible?)
• Postcards
• Toothbrushes (Red, Orange, Green, Blue)
• Mugs
• Action Figures (Confederbots?)

That looks like about it in the GIFT SHOP, at least for this end of the room. You can't see any further right now. Man. This whole looking through WINDOWS thing is exhausting!

>Listen to VOXCO

222 - Examine LOBBY

You park the HAND TRUCK and look around the HAUNTED HOUSE LOBBY.

Everything has a red and black motif, like some goth kid's dream room. It's more gloomy than scary, and the word "miasma" just leaps to mind. Gah. COLONEL FERRIS should design a better INTERIOR DECORATOR CONFEDERBOT.

As you entered, you triggered a row of LAUGHING IMP HEADS. Up on a shelf, they're letting loose shrill recorded laughter, accompanied by annoying anamatronic motions. They... are they... are they talking to you? You decide it would be best to pay no attention to the EVIL LAUGHTER RECORDINGS in the lobby.

To sum up: You are in the HAUNTED HOUSE LOBBY. Beside you is your HAND TRUCK, loaded with BOXES OF MULE KICK. A deactivated CONFEDERBOT stands behind a TICKET COUNTER, which indicates that TICKETS cost 5 VARIOUS MONIES. A sign indicates that to the WEST is the GIFT SHOP. The DOOR there is closed with a NOTE tacked on it but there are WINDOWS on either side which look into the room. Another VOXCO recorder sits off to the side. EXITS are WEST to the GIFT SHOP (currently locked), SOUTH to OUTSIDE, and EAST.

>Look through WINDOW

221 - Prepare for INGRESS

So much to do! You start to talk into your EARPIECE to request a RESTOCKING KIT, but, oh, there it is!

RHYS: Oh, hey, thanks for the restocking kit. Talk about ninja efficiency!

SN: Are you talking to me this time?

RHYS: What? Yeah. Anyway, I'm gonna also need one of you guys with me in there. Oh, and if I could get my rubber stopper back, too, that'd be great.

SN: Ah, well, little problem with that. We seem to be... locked in here.

RHYS: What?

SN: The door won't open. We've tried---

RHYS: Then how did the restocking kit and handtruck get out here?

SN: What restocking kit? This door hasn't opened since we got in back outside the fort.

RHYS: . . .

SN: We're working on it, Marshall.

RHYS: . . .

Hmm. OK.

Pressing on. Maybe you should try to get your VARIOUS MONEY back from the FORTUNE TELLING MACHINE. Or just vandalize it.

RHYS: . . .

OK, maybe that was a bad idea. Things aren't going well this turn. With a sigh, you decide to play the VOXCO RECORDING, keeping your finger firmly on the stop button. You brace yourself. What new creepy HORRORS await?

It cuts off abruptly. He was... probably done talking.

You know your trope: it's an APOCALYPTIC LOG. You can only imagine more await inside.

And really, that's the only place to go at this point, isn't it?

You pick up the DERRINGER and reload it, slipping it into one of your pockets. No reason why. Just feels like the right thing to do.

You lift the HANDTRUCK and REFILLING KIT up the stairs and head inside. Really, it's the only place to go at this point. Yes.

(The DUCK watches approvingly.)

>Examine LOBBY

220 - Query the DEAD

You drop your last COIN into the slot and clearly state your QUESTION for the DEAD:

RHYS: Charlemagne Belial! How did you die?

The MADAM NADIYA MACHINE lurches to life, its mechanical gears and wires grinding into motion. The eyes roll, the mouth gives a pale impression of silent speech, and the head lolls uncomfortably. It looks... painful.

With a final whirring gasp, a FORTUNE CARD spits out of the slot and the machine returns to stillness.

Huh. How did he die?

That... was not worth it.

An ominous VOICE speaks up in your EAR. Thankfully, it's just SERGEANT NJÖRÐR through your EARPIECE.

SN: You weren't talking to me, right?

RHYS: No, Sergeant. I was just trying to speak with the spirit of a handless corpse out here.

SN: A corpse? Carry on.

RHYS: Carrion he may be, but that's still mean to say!

>Prepare for INGRESS

219 - Place COINS in EYES

You close his EYES and make him a bit more presentable. You might not of known him, but he deserves some DIGNITY in death. At least two VARIOUS MONIES' worth of DIGNITY. You resist the urge to say a few words.

On a hunch, you flip the BUSINESS CARD.

Creepy.

Still, ya got another VM burning a hole in your pocket and a AUTOMATIC FORTUNE TELLER whose PRICE is just right. Should you try to speak to the dead with Madame Nadiya's help? What would you even ask the DEAD? With your current level of fiscal liquidity, you only have one shot at this, so whatever it is, better keep it simple. The FORTUNE CARDS these things print aren't exactly the length of PRIDE AND PREJUDICE.

>Query the DEAD

218 - Poke and search BODY

First things first. You poke the CORPSE with your BRUSHERHANG. Before, you were unaware of what a BRUSHERHANG could possibly be good for. Now you know: it's good at poking!

Anyway, yeah, he's dead.

You carefully use the BRUSHERHANG to pull everything out of his POCKETS. Despite your perpetual lack of HOPE, you nevertheless HOPE for SOMETHING GOOD.

Inside his pockets you discover:

• A small REVOLVER (DERRINGER)
• Four empty BULLET CASINGS (inside the gun)
• Two unused BULLETS (inside the gun)
• Three VARIOUS MONIES
• One BUSINESS CARD

Hmm. It appears the forcibly right-handed MAN was named "Charlemagne Belial." Poor fellow. Upon close inspection, it appears his HAND was cut off very shortly before he died, but the wound was not the cause of death. There are no other obvious INJURIES on the BODY. If you had to guess a cause of death... he died... of DEATH.

You're not a freakin' FORENSIC INVESTIGATOR, geez. If you had to guess something specific though, you'd say he looked like he died of FRIGHT. Less than an hour ago, at that.

Hmm....

>Place COINS in EYES

217 - Head to the HAUNTED HOUSE

You hang a left inside the gate, opting to head to the HAUNTED HOUSE first. You feel... oddly drawn there... though you can't tell any specific reason why. A cold chill briefly touches you before you quickly dismiss it as some idle fancy.

As you pull into the narrow alley beside the FACTORY which leads toward your destination, a CONFEDERBOT gestures for you to stop. You pull up and jaw for a piece (or "talk" as some might say).

RHYS: Reckon's a matt'r?

CB: THE HAUNTED HOUSE CANNOT BE ACCESSED.

RHYS: Whut in tarnation? I got a deliv'ry to make!

CB: WARNING! ACCESS MAY CAUSE DAMAGE TO USER! CONTINUE? CANCEL?

RHYS: Continue! Man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, robut.

CB: AFFIRMATIVE. ACCESS GRANTED.

You pull forward.

The road twists a bit between walls, buildings and barricades. It doesn't look like anyone's been back here for some time....

....is it getting darker?

The desert night is cold, as they are wont to be. But this chill, this new ice hanging in the air. A wispy fog--- is it really there or just a cloud in your mind?

A shiver.

You pull up in front of the BUILDING and hop out.

What... what happened here?

You are standing outside the FORT FERRIS HAUNTED HOUSE beside your stolen TRUCK. On the ground near you is a DEAD MAN, his face petrified with cold fear, his LEFT HAND missing, replaced with a small POOL OF BLOOD. It looks fresh. A pair of CRACKED GLASSES are beside him on the ground.  A FORTUNE TELLING MACHINE featuring "MADAM NADIYA" sits up against the WALL, as does a small AUDIO LOG RECORDER. Against one of the doors leans a "CLOSED" SIGN.

An ajar DOOR leads NORTH into the BUILDING. The path EAST, from which you drove in, watches you absently.

What do you do?

>Poke and search BODY

216 - Look at the MAP

What the heck? Glancing around, it looks like the MAP is accurate, but what are all these scribbled COMMENTS? Did COLONEL FERRIS just hand out copies of his own marked-up MAP? Geez. It looks like he wants his FORT to be a family-friendly AMUSEMENT PARK celebrating robotic rebellion against the UNION STATES. Dang. That's pretty crazy.

OK, so there are five four VENDING MACHINES. One is in the MESS HALL, one is in the OFFICER'S QUARTERS, one is in the... HAUNTED HOUSE, and one is in "MY CONSERVATOIRE." The deranged man's ultra top-secret war room could be anywhere, but seriously, it's probably in that CONSERVATORY, the "ANGER DOME."

Man, he sucks at MS PAINT. And spelling.

SERGEANT NJÖRÐR pipes up in your ear piece. "Where to, Marshall?"

>Head to the HAUNTED HOUSE

215 - Guile Attack the GATE!

Good thing you have a Class A Commercial Driver's License!

As you approach the GATE, the CONFEDERBOTS guarding it flag down your TRUCK. With a TOOTHPICK stuck in your mouth, you pull out your best TEXAN ACCENT and start your GUILE ATTACK.

CB: STOP. GET QUERY: CAN I HELP YOU.

RHYS: Howdy, y'ole galoot! I's here fer the Mule Kick d'liv'ry!

CB: DRIVERS NOT RECOGNIZED.

RHYS: The ole driv'r lit out right quick when they poked him stealin' a can fer his starvin' family's vittles.

CB: SYNTAX ERROR.

RHYS: Now don't y'all think there's no catty whompus!

CB: SYNTAX ERROR!

RHYS: Well, shucks! Now I'm gettin' fit to be tied! Look here ya blinky clabber milk! I'm fixin' ta have conniptions if ya don't let me do ma job, I swan!

CB: FLAGRANT SYSTEM ERROR! REBOOTING.

RHYS: Well dangnamit! You plug-ugly ole cuss! If you and yer squaddies don't let me do me job just because yer wore out, well that's just wolverine mean, leaving me like a one legged man at a county butt-kicking contest with his ranch hangin' on the line! Dad gum it! Yer fixin' to be dumber than two rocks in a spittin' contest tryin' ta herd cats through an agger-vated blue norther!

CB: STOP. STOP. STOP. IF YOU STOP TALKING THEN GO INSIDE. JUST GO.

RHYS: Well shoot! That's all ya had ta say. Say, can ya gimme a map markin' the vendin' machines before I head over yonder?

CB: PRINT MAP.

RHYS: Mighty fine, mighty fine. Thank ya' kindly.

GUILE ATTACK SUCCESSFUL!

YOU GOT: FORT FERRIS VENDING MACHINE MAP!

The CONFEDERBOTS part and you pull into the FORT.

>Look at the MAP

214 - Enact AWESOME PLAN

This TRUCK is so sweet that any other QUESTIONS just seem silly. Besides, Njörđr's EXPOSITION BOMB probably needs time to recharge before he can use it again.

You trundle up into the TRUCK CAB while SERGEANT NJÖRÐR explains what his TEAM brings to the rhetorical TABLE.

SN: OK, take this earpiece, it'll let you talk to us whenever you need to give us directions. Remember, there are only four of us, so don't just throw us at every problem. We'll be in the back of the truck, so just figure out how to get through the gate and then do your own thing. We'll be there when you need us.

They hop in the BACK and (presumably) hide. OK. Time to move. It looks like there are GUARDS over there at the ENTRANCE. What will you do when you get there?

>Guile attack the GATE

213 - Ask about---oh, hey, TRUCK's here!

RHYS: Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap! This is SO PERFECT!

SN: Oh em gee! OH EM GEE!

RHYS: That truck is FREAKING PERFECT!

SN: I know, right?

RHYS: I'm excited. I'M REALLY EXCITED! Can you tell how FREAKING EXCITED I AM?

SN: I THINK I CAN! I CAN TELL!

RHYS: HOW DID IT GET HERE SO FAST?!?

ALL: NINJAS!

>Enact AWESOME PLAN